I know it’s silly but I thought a lot about what to post for her birthday. She’s grown so much, she is a classic third child, her nickname is chuckie, she is such a blessing #blahblahblah

But I’ve done a lot of reflecting  about the last two years and how much we’ve both grown, so I’m going to make her birthday post about me instead.

I would say I’m a very mentally strong person. I have my mom, my husband, #armylife and years of personal development to thank for that. However, this little firecracker has broken me down in ways I didn’t know I could be broken.

I have had some of my hardest days and longest nights with her. 

The postpartum anxiety, rage and depression were horrible. 

When she was about 10.5 months old, I posted this on Instagram. I said stuff like, I feel like I’m turning the corner. I am coming out of the postpartum fog.

In January we were fortunate to travel to Hawaii without kids for some great alone time, and then in February I went to Park City snowboarding with my co-workers, we live in paradise, I “should” have been so happy. But I knew I still wasn’t the same.

Then the rest of 2020 hit and  well… we all know how 2020 went.

After a few middle of the night panic attacks, I chose to ask for help by going on medication. A choice I realized made me even stronger.

Why the hell did I wait so long? Pride? Fear? The unknown? I’m not sure. But, I wish I had asked for help sooner. I filtered through therapists til I found one that worked. I accepted help and have sought out more help (cleaning lady, nanny, meal delivery, grocery delivery, etc). I realized these weren’t luxuries… these were necessities for my mental health.  I’m making my own stress management and health a priority. Sleep is still very “iffy” around here. With my husband being deployed, and 3 kids, someone is up at least once almost every night.

Sleep is SO key, and since that is not an area where I can master at this time, I have to do a better job at managing other triggers and stressors. I’ve also been working with an expert on some gut testing, hormone testing, nutrient testing, to get to the root of what’s been going on for so long. We found I had high h. Hyploi, hormone imbalances, insulin resistance, a few key nutrient deficiencies (low in D, omega 3s, zinc, etc.).

In all honesty, the third kid has been the hardest. I’m not sure if we’re just exhausted, its from juggling the other kids and other life issues, and if 2020 made everything harder… but I have heard from many mamas who have also had a harder time with the third kid.

If you have three kids, how did your postpartum journey compared to the other kids? Are you taking care of yourself?