In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Month in October, I thought I’d share the story of our loss. Maybe it’ll help me, maybe it’ll help someone else also know that they are not alone. If I’ve been a little spacey the last 3 months or so, my emotional roller coaster might explain a little bit of that…

Long story short, we recently experienced our second miscarriage. Our first one happened before Bella was born, early November of 2013 and the second one in August of 2015. I’m not sure any of us women who have had a miscarriage or lost a baby need any more reminders of what we’ve been through. But since October is Pregnancy Loss & Infant Awareness month, I thought I’d share my story to maybe help the other 1 in 4 women be comforted that they are not alone.

According to October15.com, “In October 1988, President Reagen proclaimed October as National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.

When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouses loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience around the US and the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS and other causes.”

I have had this text written out for probably 8 weeks, debating whether or not to share it. Most people never even knew about our first miscarriage until after I had Isabella, but I know there are many more people silently dealing with situations like mine, and I have talked to so many women lately who have been through a miscarriage or loss. Even with this most recent pregnancy, I was extremely hesitant to tell anyone. Here is how our story unfolded…..

In June of this year, we found out we were pregnant! Yay!! It was surprise and I was kinda freaking out about it because I wasn’t planning on having two kids so close in age together (they would have been 16 mo apart), but that fear soon turned to excitement!

I went to Nashville with my Beachbody trip, told my friends there about my good news, and was on a huge high from my experience there! This is the bottom of my name tag/badge with my stickers for recognition. One of my sweet friends found this adorable sticker for me that I wore proudly the whole trip!

When I got home I had an ultrasound. Either the baby had stopped growing or we weren’t as far along as we thought we were (we thought about 10 weeks at this time). The doctor was 90% sure I had had a miscarriage, and my D&C was scheduled for the next week. A dilation and curettage (D&C) is a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus. Doctors perform dilation and curettage to diagnose and treat certain uterine conditions — such as heavy bleeding — or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion (Mayoclinic). That week of waiting was miserable. I was really holding onto that 10% of hope, and I had a feeling our dates might just have been off.. but the realist in me was prepared.

The following week we go to the hospital, prepared for surgery, show up a little early for a confirmation ultrasound… and we see a heartbeat. There is a real, live growing baby in there! We knew what we were looking at (sort of) from last time, and we were all (including the doctor) in shock at what we were seeing on the monitor. The size of the baby was small, but there was still a living & growing baby in there!

This was right before my birthday, we were on cloud 9 and so incredibly happy!

Then, on Monday August 10, which was about 10 days after our last appointment, the doctor had us come back to measure the baby again, just to make sure it was all okay. There was no growth. No heartbeat. We had lost the baby for real this time. We definitely weren’t expecting this.

The doctor recommended I take the medicine (misoprostol) at home which makes helps it all to pass, instead of doing the surgery  (D&C) to remove it. I’ve never had to have any type of surgery before, and the idea of sharp objects all up in my business didn’t sound very fun, so I agreed to do the medicine at home. I had an all natural child birth, I’m tough, no big deal… I thought.

It was absolutely awful, it was a mess, I was a mess, and it was pretty traumatic if i’m being totally honest.

It has been 9 weeks, 3 days and a few hours since we found out and I’ve had a lot of physical, hormonal and emotional issues going on since then. After some concerns I was having regarding cramping, bleeding, headaches and weight gain, my doctor recently re-assured me it can take up to a few months for a women’s body and hormones to return back to normal. That sucks.

The rate of miscarriages is incredibly high, I know very few moms who have NOT had a miscarriage, and again, I KNOW it is very common. But it doesn’t make it any easier. I thought since we had had a miscarriage before (before Bella was born), we wouldn’t have another… but obviously we were wrong. According to pregnancyloss.info, if you’ve had one miscarriage you have a 13% chance of it happening again. It isn’t much different than the 10-25% of all pregnancies that are estimated to end in miscarriage (americanpregnancy.org).

There is nothing to be done, but wait and try again later. Most MDs won’t do anything for testing until you’ve had multiple miscarriages in a row. They call this having recurrent miscarriages, which is at least 3 in a row. For most women, you’ll go on to have very healthy subsequent pregnancies & have as many babies as your home & your heart can handle! <3

I can’t believe its been this long already since all that happened. I still have days when I’m not feeling 100% myself, a comment will be made, a thought will cross my mind, and I wonder, “what if…” but I really do believe God has a plan for everything and that everything that happens for a reason. So, holding onto that belief, Bella’s sweet kisses, and my husbands amazing compassion… have given me a lot of strength. Activities are always busy around our house, my business is growing, I have amazing family & friends… all of which have helped during this time.

Thank you to those who knew for all the thoughts, prayers, kind words and wishes.

I’m sorry to anyone reading this who has gone through something similar, I’m sending big hugs to you because I know sometimes reading things like this, or seeing it, can stir up a lot of emotions, even if you are doing fine! I’ll remind you of the things your doctor has probably told you… You did not cause it, it was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome, and you can have another baby. As an advocate for therapy, I hope you’ll seek professional help if the pain of your loss is still too unbearable. You should not have to go through it alone and sometimes a friendly shoulder to cry on isn’t enough.